Are you tired of chasing the American Dream? Dismayed with what happened to American Exceptionalism? Do you suffer from an ‘American Sniper’ mentality and see the third world in white-and-terrorists? Well you’ve come to the right place!
At the CIA, your satisfaction is our guarantee. Here’s what the job entails:
Never revealing your actual mission, you must drive around Lahore (Pakistan’s second largest city) with illegal weapons – taking note of routes and police beats, before you murder 2 local men on a bike (one of whom carried an unloaded firearm), in broad daylight.
You must then flee the crime scene, aggressively hitting traffic and pedestrians with your car. You will use your military-grade radio and call for backup.
When you’ve made the backup call, other CIA buddies from your mission will trample an innocent biker under their SUV in their rush to come rescue you. And then they’ll reverse into his crumpled body, again.
Then all of you will be flown out from Pakistan and never face any sentencing or justice for the three killings. This happened on the 27th of January, 2011.
For all this, the United States Government will call you a Diplomat and give you diplomatic immunity after the killings.
Salary & Benefits Package
- Hidden safe houses that aren’t registered to the local law.
- Illegal, unlicensed guns provided by local blackmarket handlers
- Armoured cars with fake licence plates.
- When in trouble, jettison from your SUV: “100 bullets, knives, gloves, a blindfold and, oddly, a piece of cloth with an American flag.”
Totally normal things for official ‘Diplomats’, by the way. The US government argues that Vienna Conventions 1961 are exactly for these totally ‘normal’ activities.
Can a Middle Eastern consulate or embassy in the United States field such agents in D.C. and claim blanket Diplomatic Immunity for murder?
“Consular officers and consular employees shall not be amenable to the jurisdiction of the judicial or administrative authorities of the receiving State in respect of acts performed in the exercise of consular functions.”
Article 43, 1963 Vienna Conventions. Unless Raymond Davis and his gang’s killings were somehow related to consular duties, with respect to the above mentioned job perks, there is no diplomatic immunity.
Job Titles (All Apply Together)
When working for the CIA, you’re enviably multi-talented. So when the local law arrests you for murder, the US government will claim you have multiple, far-fetched positions at once.
- 28th January 2011: A Staff Member of the US Consulate General in Lahore.
- 29th January 2011: Diplomat, assigned to the US Embassy in Islamabad (Pakistan’s Capital).
- 30th January 2011: A member of the US Embassy’s technical and administrative staff in Islamabad, no longer a Diplomat.
- Self-Described: Consultant to the US Consulate in Lahore.
- Self-Described: Self-Employed, Independent Military Contractor.
Extra Perks / What we will do for YOU!
Murdered some worthless humans? Don’t worry. Here’s what comes next.
- Your actions will be sold as self-defence. Even when eyewitnesses and forensics point to murder.
- You and your CIA buddies are allowed to brandish guns at the public.
- Your buddies can jump the central road median in an armoured SUV and drive aggressively on the wrong side.
- You’re allowed to flee the crime scene and collide with more traffic and pedestrians (but still write that you’re innocent).
If these perks aren’t enough, we will strong-arm the victim country to issue you a Diplomatic Immunity position pre-dated from before you murdered the locals. Even if it means resignation of their Foreign Minister.
We will also force the family (hint: kidnappings) of your murder victims into accepting a Diyat settlement, an Islamic legal instrument that exchanges ‘blood money‘ for murder.
Requirements (What you must brag about!)
Years after the incident has passed, you must write a book that clearly discloses from Page 1 that it will not convey the full truth (despite the marketing claiming it is the truth), and will protect American / Western interests.
- Superiority complex: Must write in your book that third-world police officers are dumb and dim-witted, repeatedly.
- Bragging: Must brag in your book of an impressive 1.1 seconds draw time for guns.
- See Terrorists Everywhere: Must write in your book that even a woman wearing ‘bulky clothes’ (e.g. Burqa) will have a suicide bomb vest.
- Refuse to cooperate with local law: Must proudly write that you never cooperated with local police (before and after the murders). Never gave fingerprints, despite being asked repeatedly.
Most importantly, you must not have even a shred of remorse. You will laugh off the suicide of your murder victim’s wife (who drank rat poison saying you will not face justice) as a ‘national propaganda.’
So can U.S. citizens pay Blood Money?
In consistency with forensic reports and eyewitness testimonies, Raymond Davis was due to be charged with murder. The US government pressured the Pakistani government to convert the murder case into Islamic jurisprudence, where murderers can pay blood money in exchange for freedom.
Even in a world where Mr Davis had indeed shot in self-defence, would he still walk free for illegal gun possession and fake licence plates? What about the innocent man who was trampled over (twice), and his killers who were quickly flown out of Pakistan?
The fact that the U.S. government paid blood money is an admission of murder-guilt on its own. Even though Hillary Clinton denies it, Raymond Davis himself admitted saying OK to the Blood Money instrument in his memoirs.
So what does this say about Western Imperialism? An American can come into your country, work with illegal weapons and cars, kill three (and indirectly a suicide victim) people, and be flown out to freedom while the families of his victims are harassed and threatened.
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